He had told me he didn't want to go out to flight. That he was scared, it was dark and they might be lost on sight. He had not wanted to go for 2 weeks stranded in the woods. To prepare him for something we all might loose. We'd talk for hours to keep him comforted with home. Though it wasn't enough to keep him from his own battled war zone. I was sorry I didn't spend more time, or that I didn't tell him the things I should have. For that when when I got the call I wondered how could this happen? How could he fall. He was so strong, he was so willed. He believed in something he was a fucking brick wall. I tried to get inside his head. I tried to figure out what should have or could have been said, to prevent him from going to such lengths that he had.I don't have anything left of him but a vague memory of what his voice sounded like when he was happy,of how everything was neat, his collars were pressed and how his clothes were folded as if he had to pass a test. Of how he didn't mind slow dancing to some old big band music. He didn't mind not being "cool."
He instilled so much inside my mind, he taught me things I will never leave behind.
They eyes of the family and friends who knew him much longer looked so deserted so empty and so somber. The past lovers were all brought together with such a fate. They cried together like a sorority date rape. There was his mother, the one that was the most of a stranger. Hiding behind her tinted black glasses she must have thought in her sick mind she was Jackie Onassis. Some how this is exactly what he would have wanted. It's to much for me I don't like to say goodbye, So I had to scurry out for a cigarette and a good cry. He didn't have much but he shared the world. To me he was an open book. I was never mis-understood. We we never lovers just soul mate friends. We had so much in common I thought for sure he'd be there in my end. Right by my side as he always was standing. Keeping me together when I thought for sure I would fault and whither. He might have been the only person in the world that ever loved as much, as pure and as flawless as you could see. He is in that room. That room in a white velvet lined rot box. Wood, I think cause his parents didn't want to spring for the extra touch. I could just picture him saying to me now "A, your being dramatic, you'll make it, your strong, stronger than you can imagine, I have faith in you. But fuck he isn't and he won't in fact he won't be doing much of anything. How typically him. I made sure I wore a red dress for it would have just pissed him off it would have gotten his best. But that was my purpose in the end. Drugs? You asshole! You went to battle you fought in a war, but all you could do was more more more. You could have done what no one could it's such a shame. When I think of you, I think all of it was done in vain.

1 comment:

  1. I sobbed like a little girl when I read this. There was so much love. What a fucking waste.You have been way to M.I.A for me. I know you are going through something and you as your old child self have to do it alone. LEAN on someone else for a change baby. There are so many people that love you. Why the fuck wouldn't they you are my inspiration. You get me up in the morning. I love you and take all the time you need. Those who love you will be there when you are ready.