FORSAKEN.

I often wonder if people really listen when they ask questions? I have nothing to hide. I will answer within reason. If people hide, there is a direct purpose for it.They might think it's challenging but it's just a bore. Then I loose interest and it's just a distant memory.Perhaps it saves me the trouble if I find it out early rather than later. I will be the first person to laugh at myself. But I will not join in your efforts of making my life your entertainment. Be paranoid that I am directing this towards you. Be very aware that I am always two steps ahead. You might think you are manipulating the situation to your own benefit but it is not so. I am keenly aware of the conversations that go in different directions because you want to hide, keep it locked away in a box that you share with many others when in fact I should be one of those people, but I am not. What am I getting out of it you ask. Well if I were an actor more than likely one of those sparkly gold godly looking statues. And of course I am getting fabulous writing material.
Do you have a clue that at times more than I wish to, I fall to my knees and weep?I can be so strong, faithful and down right determined when I want to. Then the other times as I sob, I keep to myself. Because you couldn't handle how I feel, what I feel, what I deal with, how I deal with it.More importantly I think you care and I truly believe you feel you do but in reality it is not so.I don't think you are capable. I will not be a convenience, and I most certainly will not bow down to make you feel better. I will not reassure you. If you are unsure of yourself, it's not my problem. Because I am it frightens you so the only way you can deal is to share with others? There is with most a hidden agenda. I could not possibly be that type of a person. I would not be able to rest my head at night. I wanted so much more, I need so much more at times. Where have you been? Hiding, I thought you were different but the more I witness the more I know you are just like all the rest. I can lump you into that category because you don't really listen. You aren't really there. It's bizarre that I feel the way I do, you might think so. I do not need to be rescued, ridiculed or even responsive anymore. One day you might feel the wrath of my disappearance. How disappointed you might be in my reaction. Though I would not want you not to know of my feelings since you never really ever bothered to ask. Here it is all spelled out in black and white. I am a mess, I put MYSELF back together. I fall apart, I pick up the pieces MYSELF. That's OK with me not a complaint for I know I am the only one who can do what it is that I do. I feel sorry that you won't stand next to me and bare witness to my existence in a supportive manor. Maybe you are just to wrapped up in your own head to even care. Maybe I am the one that is the fool, the jester in your twisted plan.I am not sure of any of the reasons, but my questions have gone unanswered, certain actions have not been fulfilled. I am starting to think my impression of you is something I created in my own mind to make it all seem colorful, and so bright. Shutting me out, keeping me out and not allowing me to see you, when that is what I offered to you. I hope it continues to work for you because it's not for me and that 1 foot is almost out the door. Quick you better hurry get your act together open those eyes and clear out your ears. For my entertaining ways are about to end. Make of it what you will but it's all you now.I couldn't possibly deal with another issue at this point. So I shall keep a smile on my face to mask my emotions , to mask my feelings so that your life can continue in a path that I won't continue with you, along side you, behind you or in front of you. You just won't be in the picture. Golden word of advice. Zoning out, and hiding out will get you NO where but A.L.O.N.E. xoxo